I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
