his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
