whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
