Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize