Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
