Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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