My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
