apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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