The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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