"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
