At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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