its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
