I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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