i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize