you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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