New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
