She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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