this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
