Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
