stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
