??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
