dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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