If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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