Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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