I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
being pregnant is like rehab
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
