Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
