I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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