I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
