After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We have started to decorate penises.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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