You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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