On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
