i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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