May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
