Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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