Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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