I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
