I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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