If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
