I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
