I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
