I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
