I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
