he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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