Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
