is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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