I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
There's even glitter on my cock...
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