My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We talked him into tasing himself.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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