This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
