I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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