apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
