i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
