I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
