I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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