I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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