At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize