No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
