WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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