Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
