i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
