So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
