; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
