I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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