I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
