Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize