The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My pussy is not your playground.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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