i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
