Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
