plz talk dirty to me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
