i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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