She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
